Atheism

Editor: The intent here is to poke a bit of fun but not be rudely offensive as is the way of some. This is NOT theology, just a bit of imagination gone slightly crazy. 🙂
Atheism is a non-prophet religion
The christian lady next door to the atheist
There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Every day, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, “She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn’t she know there isn’t a God?”Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying “Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don’t you know there is no God?” But she kept on praying.One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. As usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, “Humph! I’ll fix her.”He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting everywhere! The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, “You ol’ crazy lady, God didn’t buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!”

 

At hearing this, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord.

 

When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was. She said, “I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn’t know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!”

The atheist and the Loch Ness monster

An atheist was rowing at the lake, when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat. He panicked and shouted “God help me!”, and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just stopped.A voice from the heavens boomed “You say you don’t believe in me, but now you are asking for my help?”The atheist looked up and said: Well, ten seconds ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!

Rabbi and atheist

A Rabbi was walking and a arrogant atheist approached him and declared “I am a atheist and free thinker”. To which the Rabbi replied “Do you think God Cares?”

Atheists and light bulb
How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.
 The Bear and the Atheist
An atheist was walking through the woods one day, admiring all that evolution had created. Suddenly he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw an 8 foot grizzly bear beginning to charge toward him.He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him Running faster yet, he looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding in his chest. He tried to run faster. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground.As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him. The atheist cried…”GOD DAMN!…”Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.  As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from the sky.“YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON’T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. NOW, YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU AND DAMN THIS BEAR? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A CHRISTIAN?”The atheist looked directly into the light and said, “Why don’t you try and make the bear a Christian?”

“VERY WELL,” said the voice. The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed. … and the bear dropped down to his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive.”

 
  Rowing in the lakeA Jew, A Catholic, and an atheist are rowing in Lake Erie when their boat springs a huge leak. The Jew looks skyward, and says “Oh, Adonai, if you save me, I promise I’ll sail to Israel and spend the rest of my days trying to reclaim the land you gave us.” The Catholic looks skyward, and says, “Oh, Jesus, if you save me, I promise I’ll fly to the Vatican and spend the rest of my days singing your praises.” The atheist says, “Oh, guys, if you pass me that one life preserver, I promise I’ll swim to Cleveland.” “And how will you spend the rest of your days?” the Jew and the Catholic ask. “Well,” says the atheist, “I’m not sure, but I can tell you one thing: I’ll never go rowing with other atheists.”
 The lying boysA clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing. One of the boys replied, “This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we’re having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today.”Of course, the Reverend was shocked. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.”
There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. “All right,” he said, “give him the dog.”
He cannot swimThe Pope took a philosophy professor (an atheist at that) out fishing on a large lake. As they drifted on the still lake, the philosopher accidentally dropped an oar and watched it float away. The pontiff stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed it and walked back to the boat. The next day at the university, a colleague asked the philosopher if he had enjoyed fishing with the Pope. “It was okay, but would you believe that guy can’t swim?
 Watch, bird… Not!
Q.Why did the atheist throw her watch out of the window?
A.She wanted to see if it was designed intelligently enough to evolve into a bird.
The fly and the soupAtheist: What’s this fly doing in my soup?
Waiter: Praying.
Atheist: Very funny. I can’t eat this. Take it back.
Waiter: You see? The fly’s prayers were answered.
 Dawkins and the fridgeQ.How can you tell if an atheist lives in your refrigerator?
A.You find a copy of The God Delusion hidden in the cream cheese.
Orangutan and the BibleOne day the zoo keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books, “On the Origin of Species” and the Bible. Surprised, he asked the orangutan “why are you reading both those books?”“Well”, said the orangutan. “I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother”.
Apes, the Typewriter and Shakespeare [real life joke]A programmer tried to resurrect the famous experiment of Typewriting Monkeys. The logic is known: all the faithful followers of “Randomness” argue that a group of monkeys who randomly click the keys of a typewriter can eventually create all the works of Shakespeare! But in order to do this he cheated: he did not use actual monkeys but virtual ones (i.e. computer programs). These programs guessed random words and when they found a series of 9 characters which actually existed in the works of Shakespeare, they stored these 9 characters in their memory and went on to find the next ones. The conditions of the experiment have of course nothing to do with monkeys writing down random characters (without any kind of memory to store sets of characters they find, since they do not know their final goal and can never know if they have guessed correctly)… If the experiment was conducted under terms of actual randomness, the programmer himself admits that all the works of Shakespeare would need more time than the age of the universe to be created by pure luck! And if you put real (not virtual) monkeys, then the joke becomes apparent: once scientists tried to do the same experiment by putting a typewriter in a cage with real monkeys. Monkeys began beating the typewriter, resulting after hours in the creation of a single typed page which contained mainly the letter “S”. Then the apes were frustrated and broke the typewriter, urinated and defecated on it! The “miracle” the dogmatically blind followers of Randomness (e.g. Dawkins, Huxley etc) are waiting to see will probably not come… Perhaps finally randomness is not so powerful to create Shakespeare (let alone Consciousness or the Universe itself) …SourcePhilosophy Wire – Can monkeys type Shakespeare? No!
 
 
Agnostic joins the KKK
Q: What happens when an agnostic joins the KKK?A: He burns question marks in peoples’ front yard.
Atheists and exponential equations
Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.
 
 
Schizophrenic Zen Buddhist
Q: How do you describe a schizophrenic Zen Buddhist?A: A man who is at two with the universe
The buddhist and the hotdog
What did a Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?A: Make me one with everything.The hot dog vendor prepares the hot dog and gives it to the monk. The monk pays him and asks for the change. The hot dog vendor says: “Change comes from within”.
Like having faith there is no God?
The angry atheist

The story is told of the Atheist who accosted a preacher. “Do you believe in eternal life?” The preacher has no time to reply. “Well its a load of rubbish!” shouted the Atheist. “I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that’s it! No eternal life, no great judgement, and no God!” The Atheist continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. “Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! “Its all pie in the sky when you die.” When I die that’s it, the end, no eternal life, no nothing. He continues, until he reaches his climax, “I will be buried six feet under when I die and that’s it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!”

“Well thank God for that” replies the preacher!


Yes, they both have faith in something. One in a higher power, a creator of everything, a supreme being!
The other believes that man is a higher power, the creator of everything, the supreme being which causes all.
Religious Lightbulb Jokes

How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.

How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb? There’s no evidence to support the assertion that atheists change light bulbs.

 
Atheist bar assumption
An atheist walked into a bar, but seeing no bartender he revised his initial assumption and decided he only walked into a room…
Jesus vs. Satan contest

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally, God said, “Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will take two hours, and I will judge who does the better job”.

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They generated web pages. They prepared faxes. They wrote e-mails. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known computer job.
But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically screaming, “It’s gone! It’s all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!”
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours.
Satan observed this and became even more irate.
“Wait! He cheated! How did he do it??!!”

God shrugged and said, ”Jesus Saves”

[not theological, just cute :-)]

Nietzsche and graffiti
A poster read: “God is dead” – Nietzsche.
The graffiti underneath read: “Nietzsche is dead” – God.
Church and garage

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car. [Unless of course, you are an atheist. Then definitely you will be a car. Even if you stop going to the garage.]

Last words of Jesus

Jesus is on the cross. Mary and Peter are at the foot of the cross, when Jesus looks down, and says, “Peter…I aigfisrianbjna…” Mary turns to Peter, and says, “Peter, we must have the Lord’s last words!” So, Peter climbs up and is at Jesus’ feet, and asks him to repeat what he just said.

Jesus mumbles, “Peter…I mwamwamha…” Frustrated, Peter climbs higher to Jesus’s chest, and again ask Jesus to repeat what he said. Again, Jesus tries to speak, “Peter, I mwamwawmwam….”

Peter, intent on having Jesus’ last words for posterity, climbs all the way up, and presses his ear against Jesus’ mouth, and says, “Please, our Lord and savior, tell me again what you are trying to say!”

Jesus leans in, his lips on Peter’s ear, and whispers, “Peter, I can see your house from here”.

[I know. Enough is enough! :-)]

A Thought by Spiros Kakos: Science or Religion?

 

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