Inspirational

A few inspirational quotes from famous people you have probably never heard of! 🙂

Puns for Educated Minds

Puns for Educated Minds

1.
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was
Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2.
I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3.
She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

4.
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5.
No matter how much you push the envelope,

it’ll still be stationery.6.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was cited for littering.

7.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9.
A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall..
The police are looking into it.

10.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12..
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

13.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
‘Keep off the Grass.’

15.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from
prison was a small medium at large.

16.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and
pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran..

17.
A backward poet writes inverse.

18..
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts.
In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

19.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you’d be in Seine .

21.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says,
‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

22..
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’

23..
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again
that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

24..
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says, ‘Are you sure?’
The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

25.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26.


There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

It Could Happen to Any of Us!

It could happen to any of us….
This is so funny; I hope you enjoy  it.
$5.37! That’s what the kid behind the counter at Tim Horten’s said to me.  I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Lifesaver.  Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the worst thing anyone has ever said to me.  He said, “It’s OK.  I’ll just  give you the senior citizen discount.”

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in  front of me. “Only $4.68.” he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupified.  I am 72 .  A mere child!  Senior

 citizen?I took my food and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.  Was he blind?  As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.  Old?  Me?

I’ll show him, I thought.  I opened the door and  headed back inside.  I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted!  What am I now?  A  toddler?

“Dude! Can’t get too far without your car keys,  eh?”  I stared with utter disdain at the  keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.

“Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!  It could happen to anyone!”

I turned and headed back to the truck.  I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn’t turn.  What now?  I checked my keys and tried another.  Still nothing.

That’s when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus.  The car seat in the back seat.  Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.  A  partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.  That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!  My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my coffee, only it was nowhere to be found..

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.  All I could think was, “What is the world coming to?”

All I could say was, “Did I leave my food and drink in here”?  At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Assistance benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.  He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, “I think you left this in my truck by mistake.”

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: “It’s OK…  My grandfather does stuff like this all the time.”

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40.  Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.  And no, I told the officer, I’m not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.  I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.  I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanket.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.

Notice the larger type?  That’s for those of us who have trouble reading.

P.S.  Save the earth…It’s the only planet with chocolate!!!!!

The Cracked Pot

The Cracked Pot

A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on the end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots was perfectly made and never leaked. The other pot had a crack in it and by the time the water bearer reached his master’s house it had leaked much of it’s water and was only half full. 

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his master’s house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do. 

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. “I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you.” “Why?” asked the bearer. “What are you ashamed of?” “I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master’s house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don’t get full value from your efforts,” the pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, “As we return to the master’s house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path.”

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again the pot apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot, “Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot’s side? That’s because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you’ve watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master’s table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house.” 

Each of us has our own unique flaws. We’re all cracked pots. But if we will allow it, God will use our flaws to grace his table. In God’s great economy, nothing goes to waste. Don’t be afraid of your flaws. Acknowledge them, and you too can be the cause of beauty. Know that in our weakness we find our strength.

Travel Plans?

TRAVEL PLANS FOR 2015
Contributed by Moni S from sunny Florida!

I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don’t remember what country I was in. It’s an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there. They say that is due to to the high ground water table.

Psssssstttt! “Have you ever been in Trouble?”

Press 4 Fun Channel

We have selected the best humor from Youtube! At least in our eyes which have become seniorized in recent years 🙂 We hope you enjoy our Press 4 Fun playlist!
You can choose the first item on our playlist or click the menu (upper right short lines) and pick another one instead. One of my favorite comedians was always Bob Newhart. Bus Driver Training School was one of his best!

10 Things NOT to Say to Your Kid’s Bus Driver!

 

school-bus-fleetFirst things first, let me be clear that I love being a school bus driver. I love “my” kids and all the crazy things they say and do.

 

But the adults I have to deal with? Lets just say that I’m glad that it’s the kids that I drive around.

 

These are just a sampling of the things I’ve heard during my time as a driver:

 

1. “My children will never ride the bus, it’s too dangerous.” A bus is designed to be safe without seat belts. That’s why there are tall padded seats. As a driver, I cannot see the lap of every kid on my bus and someone would get hit in the face by an unbuckled seat belt. Your child has a higher chance of being in an accident while you drive them to school. Even if the bus is hit, it sits high off the ground so the damage isn’t done to the area where the kids are (in most cases). Basically, in your average car vs. bus collision…The bus WILL win.

 

2. “My child was bullied on the bus and you did nothing.” Sadly this happens. We do our best to take care of it. Those who are bullying get in trouble–this often involves a trip to the principal, a call to their guardians, and if it is severe enough, they are not allowed to ride the bus anymore.I have parents call and tell me I didn’t deal with it when their child was being called names on the bus. I always want to say: “Did YOUR kid tell me there was a problem? No, they did not. I have up to 77 kids on my bus and there is ONE me! I am sorry I didn’t hear your kid get called a poopyhead in the LAST seat on the huge bus. I was making sure the kids crossing the road were not run over by the As****e going 50 in a 35 zone and texting, while I could hear his music over my BUS ENGINE (and previously mentioned 77 kids) and flying by the GIANT YELLOW BUS WITH FLASHING LIGHTS!” But I don’t.

 

3. “Are you sure it was my kid?” Yes, I am sure your child, who I have driven since he was in kindergarten (and is now in 5th grade), was trying to strangle his seatmate. Thirteen other kids also say it was your child. It is NOT the first time we have talked about this. Yes, I do have to write a report about it. Yes, there is a chance your child will be suspended from bus rides for the near future. I am not visually impaired. If I were, I would not be allowed to drive the bus.

 

4. “Well, the other kids hit him first.” And… the other kid is also in trouble and I just got off the phone with his mom who swears her son would never do such a thing (see above). That does not mean your kid has the right to punch him back. Golden rule, two wrongs don’t make a right, ring a bell?

 

5. “Oh yes I know, he/she is a trouble maker.” This really just means, “I know my kid is a pain in the ass, but I am not going to do anything about it.” I am sorry parents but seriously, remember who is the parent and who isn’t and grow a pair. Put on your big girl panties and tell your kid he/she needs to straighten up or they will be walking to school.

 

6. “What do you mean you won’t come to my house?” I live in Vermont. There are a lot of roads we can’t go up. We do not drive up private roads, and other roads we simply make it up. We also need a safe place to turn around, and what might be a nice, easy road in the Summer or even Fall when school starts is not easy in the Winter when there is ice and snow. We are a bus, not an ATV.

 

7. “I am so sorry I am late.” I don’t care what your reason is. You made every other child arrive home late because you couldn’t get to your kid’s stop in time. No, I will not drop your Kindergartener off at the bottom of the 3 mile hill to wait for you.

 

8. “I am sorry, I didn’t see you.” You would be amazed how many people say this after driving by our lights. I am glad all my kids crossing the road are trained to wait for me to give them a thumbs up before crossing. My response (in my head, if not out loud) is “You didn’t see me? The BIG YELLOW bus with the FLASHING LIGHTS and the FLASHING STOP SIGN? Should you even be allowed to drive?”

 

9. “It wasn’t me who passed you.” We call in the license plate numbers of those who pass our lights. In fact, our kids are trained to read them and tell us what the plates are. The police call the person, and they tell the cops it wasn’t them. Oh, so it was not you in the car with the specialty plate that says PASSBUS that is cherry red and a 1966 mustang convertible with the white wall tires that was driven by a female with blond hair, at 3:17pm at the Grille? My bad.

 

10. “How can you possibly do your job and not kill someone?” A school bus driver is not glamorous. I love the hours; I get my kids’ vacations off and I don’t have to pay for after school care. But more than all that, I love my job.

 

I love watching the kids grow up; the kindergarteners from my first year of driving are now in 5th grade. I love hearing about lost teeth and won games. I love seeing last year’s 7th grade boys coming back after the summer, standing 3 inches taller.

 

Are there days I want to duct tape them all down? Yes.

 

Do I have to stop on the side of the road and put the fear of bus drivers everywhere into them? Yes.

 

Then there are the days you get a hand drawn card telling you that you are “The bestest diver in the whole word.” These are the days you treasure. These days make it all worthwhile.

About the Author…

 

Sara Opel is a mom of 2 boys, 2 and 8.  She lives in a rural town in Vermont, the same one she grew up in.  She is a 3rd generation school bus driver, working for her parents at the business her grandfather started.

  In her spare time, she does craft shows and works as a substitute teacher (sometimes for teachers she had).  She loves her family, job and community.  You can find her on Facebook at Tales from the Yellow Monster.

– See more at: http://www.scarymommy.com/10-things-say-school-bus-driver/#sthash.fqp8yHaT.dpuf

First things first, let me be clear that I love being a school bus driver. I love “my” kids and all the crazy things they say and do. But the adults I have to deal with? Lets just say that I’m glad that it’s the kids that I drive around.

These are just a sampling of the things I’ve heard during my time as a driver:

1. “My children will never ride the bus, it’s too dangerous.” A bus is designed to be safe without seat belts. That’s why there are tall padded seats. As a driver, I cannot see the lap of every kid on my bus and someone would get hit in the face by an unbuckled seat belt. Your child has a higher chance of being in an accident while you drive them to school. Even if the bus is hit, it sits high off the ground so the damage isn’t done to the area where the kids are (in most cases). Basically, in your average car vs. bus collision…The bus WILL win.

2. “My child was bullied on the bus and you did nothing.” Sadly this happens. We do our best to take care of it. Those who are bullying get in trouble–this often involves a trip to the principal, a call to their guardians, and if it is severe enough, they are not allowed to ride the bus anymore.I have parents call and tell me I didn’t deal with it when their child was being called names on the bus. I always want to say: “Did YOUR kid tell me there was a problem? No, they did not. I have up to 77 kids on my bus and there is ONE me! I am sorry I didn’t hear your kid get called a poopyhead in the LAST seat on the huge bus. I was making sure the kids crossing the road were not run over by the ASSHOLE going 50 in a 35 zone and texting, while I could hear his music over my BUS ENGINE (and previously mentioned 77 kids) and flying by the GIANT YELLOW BUS WITH FLASHING LIGHTS!” But I don’t.

3. “Are you sure it was my kid?” Yes, I am sure your child, who I have driven since he was in kindergarten (and is now in 5th grade), was trying to strangle his seatmate. Thirteen other kids also say it was your child. It is NOT the first time we have talked about this. Yes, I do have to write a report about it. Yes, there is a chance your child will be suspended from bus rides for the near future. I am not visually impaired. If I were, I would not be allowed to drive the bus.

4. “Well, the other kids hit him first.” And… the other kid is also in trouble and I just got off the phone with his mom who swears her son would never do such a thing (see above). That does not mean your kid has the right to punch him back. Golden rule, two wrongs don’t make a right, ring a bell?

5. “Oh yes I know, he/she is a trouble maker.” This really just means, “I know my kid is a pain in the ass, but I am not going to do anything about it.” I am sorry parents but seriously, remember who is the parent and who isn’t and grow a pair. Put on your big girl panties and tell your kid he/she needs to straighten up or they will be walking to school.

6. “What do you mean you won’t come to my house?” I live in Vermont. There are a lot of roads we can’t go up. We do not drive up private roads, and other roads we simply make it up. We also need a safe place to turn around, and what might be a nice, easy road in the Summer or even Fall when school starts is not easy in the Winter when there is ice and snow. We are a bus, not an ATV.

7. “I am so sorry I am late.” I don’t care what your reason is. You made every other child arrive home late because you couldn’t get to your kid’s stop in time. No, I will not drop your Kindergartener off at the bottom of the 3 mile hill to wait for you.

8. “I am sorry, I didn’t see you.” You would be amazed how many people say this after driving by our lights. I am glad all my kids crossing the road are trained to wait for me to give them a thumbs up before crossing. My response (in my head, if not out loud) is “You didn’t see me? The BIG YELLOW bus with the FLASHING LIGHTS and the FLASHING STOP SIGN? Should you even be allowed to drive?”

9. “It wasn’t me who passed you.” We call in the license plate numbers of those who pass our lights. In fact, our kids are trained to read them and tell us what the plates are. The police call the person, and they tell the cops it wasn’t them. Oh, so it was not you in the car with the specialty plate that says PASSBUS that is cherry red and a 1966 mustang convertible with the white wall tires that was driven by a female with blond hair, at 3:17pm at the Grille? My bad.

10. “How can you possibly do your job and not kill someone?” A school bus driver is not glamorous. I love the hours; I get my kids’ vacations off and I don’t have to pay for after school care. But more than all that, I love my job.

I love watching the kids grow up; the kindergarteners from my first year of driving are now in 5th grade. I love hearing about lost teeth and won games. I love seeing last year’s 7th grade boys coming back after the Summer, standing 3 inches taller.

Are there days I want to duct tape them all down? Yes.

Do I have to stop on the side of the road and put the fear of bus drivers everywhere into them? Yes.

Then there are the days you get a hand drawn card telling you that you are “The bestest diver in the whole word.” These are the days you treasure. These days make it all worthwhile.

About the Author…

Sara Opel is a mom of 2 boys, 2 and 8.  She lives in a rural town in Vermont, the same one she grew up in.  She is a 3rd generation school bus driver, working for her parents at the business her grandfather started.  In her spare time, she does craft shows and works as a substitute teacher (sometimes for teachers she had).  She loves her family, job and community.  You can find her on Facebook at Tales from the Yellow Monster.

– See more at: http://www.scarymommy.com/10-things-say-school-bus-driver/#sthash.fqp8yHaT.dpuf

Drunk Englishman

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.

drunkenglishman-frenchpolice
The French policeman stops the car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with humor: “No sir, I do not! But while we’re asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving… on the other side???

 

Blonde – Windows

Okay, please forgive the joke if you are blonde because this one is too good to pass up!:)

The blonde lady speaks:blonde-talking

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. 


Today, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them.
 

Helloooo ,………… just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year… that these windows would pay for themselves in a year.

Hellooooo? It’s been a year, so they’re paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.

 

He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

Contributed by Sylvia

PUN-OGRAPHY

laugh-monkeyI tried to catch some fog. niagara-mist
I mist.

When chemists die, they barium { escapes me 🙂 }

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst!

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop anytime.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

The girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns.
It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Typ-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren’t funny! Period!

Why were the Indians here first?
They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.
I hope there’s no pop quiz.

Energizer Bunny arrested!
Charged with battery.

I didn’t like my beard at first.
Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A Thesaurus.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble!
What does a clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

And on that note, I will end, period.

Contributed by Barrie.